Honoring the Memory of ACME Corporation

Today, we gather to commemorate our steadfast provider of everything we ever thought we needed. The ACME corporation has had an incredible history of always being there, ready to disregard common sense on our behalf. Its product range was phenomenal - everything from everyday wooden mallets to mind-bending 4D glasses. ACME was the symbol of pure loyalty. Not even mountains, laws, or natural disasters could stop ACME from shipping mountains of products to customers' doors throughout the known universe.

As the court's bankruptcy trustee chosen to represent ACME, it is my honor to commemorate its legacy. It is also my honor to offer all of you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to become a piece of the legacy of ACME! Investigations have uncovered vast warehouses of unsold products. Today, you can take part in this historical event by buying its well-loved products cheaper than ever before.

The ACME corporation made its name selling products that most people would consider "Illogical," "Unsafe," or even "Illegal." Since its recent demise, there has been an unfillable void in our lives. A void that can only be filled by one thing...More ACME products!

With every passing day, our need for ACME products only grows. Customers everywhere feel this loss: "I used to love running, but once my rocket powered tennis shoes broke, I just couldn't enjoy it anymore." "Back when ACME was around, I was excelling on my school's tennis team. Once my supply of explosive tennis balls ended, my coach came and kicked me off the team!"

Now that it is gone, we can only try to remember this giant corporation. Although its origin remains shrouded in smoke, we can still faithfully remember its presence in our everyday lives. ACME was our salesman, real estate agent, developer, mailman, doctor, spy, arms dealer, butcher, zookeeper, coroner, and much more. Many have complained of feeling helpless, lost, or anxious in the days since ACME's last stand in the courtroom. Let us take courage from the memory of that day, when its ruthless team of seagull lawyers took on ACME's creditors for the last time. The Legal Seagulls fought valiantly, slinging mud and dropping red herrings. Alas, they fought bravely, but it was not enough. Though many were injured in the courtroom that day, the creditors emerged victorious. It was surely a sad day for us all.

But we can't dwell on the past. On this special occasion, we will provide you with your much needed ACME products cheaper than ever before! Outside the crematorium, be sure to check out our wide collection of questionable products. My team has set up booths to distribute this special offer. Just be sure not to get lost, and please refrain from experimentation outside a designated "Unsafety" zone.

The loss of ACME Corporation has been deeply felt. We will never abandon the Spirit of ACME, even when common sense threatens to stop us. A brave soul will carry the torch---dodging lawsuits, defying reason, and like a coyote off a cliff, we'll keep running through the air. Just maybe this time, gravity will set us free.